I’ve been suffering lockdown of the heart

Before Covid, I had been yearning for discipleship. I had been yearning to slow down, to do less at church and more in my heart with God. The desire of my heart was to see more of my husband and daughter.

Fast forward to last month, and I was pretty sure I had come to the end of my journey with church and even with faith. Which was tricky, considering I currently work from home for a Christian organisation.

Up until Easter, I had been seeking God in every moment, praying, thanking God for modern life and medical provision, for my job, for the furlough scheme, that friends and family were well and safe. Then, a combination of anxiety and depression started to take hold of me. As lockdown restrictions eased, I felt left behind, like the world was rushing to get on with life but my life had not come back. I slowly stopped talking to God, stopped my sketchy engagement with the Word, and stopped seeking God in all things. This was not helped by the news, or social media. I became locked down in my heart. I knew I was so lucky, but felt this deep, dull ache and disliked myself for it.

I would wake up, and my first thought would be to check that something awful hadn’t happened. Each time, we were fine, we were so lucky… and yet something awful had happened: it was still another pandemic day. And the deep, dull ache turned into a cloud which stayed on me all the time but became most obstructive while watching an online service. I didn’t like the song choices. I didn’t like the sermon. I felt like I was being lectured to. I didn’t see the point. I was just being made to feel guilty. The feeling festered. …

Then, one Saturday morning, checking in with myself about attending virtual church the next day, I remembered I had been here before…

Commitment-Phobe is a Christian

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This is an extract from an article published in the November 2020 edition of Reform

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