Commitment-Phobe: I have an unhealthy addiction to church
Moving on from atheism, Commitment-Phobe toured churches and tried God. Now, as a Christian, her journey continues
As a couple, my husband and I were starting to feel impostor syndrome at church, and so last month we decided to be more honest. The benefits of this for us, as a couple and a family, have been noticeable. Weekends are becoming a lot less stressful. And honesty seems to beget honesty, so our communication in general has improved, including on the topic of God. Now that my husband no longer feels like he has to pretend to be a ‘proper’ Christian, he talks about God a lot more. The sense of judgement has been lifted. But the journey is still a rocky one.
When you make big changes, it is easy to go from one extreme to another. This is certainly the case for me – I can be all or nothing. Since our decision to be a bit more honest in our church life, I have found myself backing away from church, which in turn led to backing away from faith and prayer. I wasn’t taking the time to pray or read the Word. I wasn’t making the extra effort to attend prayer groups. I was hibernating, or hiding.
I felt a mixture of flatness and guilt. I missed the high of church services – I love the heightened emotions. I love the intense catch ups that happen, especially when praying for friends. I felt a little lost without that full-on intimacy and less excited about engaging with God.
I have come to the realisation that I was emotionally addicted to church,
but not necessarily spiritually addicted. The way I was engaging with church wasn’t deepening me spiritually, it was another crutch, and the reason it didn’t serve me in my day to day is that it was based on an extreme reaction. This realisation has been a huge discovery…
Commitment-Phobe is a Christian
This is an extract from an article that was published in the July/August 2019 edition of Reform.