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Reform Magazine | April 23, 2024

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Twitter #Testament - Reform Magazine

Twitter #Testament

The theologian Ben Myers @FaithTheology has tweeted the Bible, condensing each book into the regulation 140 characters and creating what he calls “the world’s shortest (and most unreliable) commentary on the whole Bible”. Here is his New Testament

We thought his teaching was a mirror of God’s Law, but we were wrong. The Law is the mirror, reflecting him.

Just as we were killing him, God whispered a secret. No one heard except the soldier who raised his bloodied hands in awe.

After careful research I have prepared an objective scholarly account of what happened. It all began with an angel …

Because we could not find the way to God, he used a spear to open a door in his side, and said, “Look, I am the way!”

Proof of the resurrection: the powers of this world submit to a handkerchief on which an apostle has blown his nose.

Adam lost it, Christ found it, the Spirit gives it, faith holds it, creation yearns for it, death yields to it.

#1 Corinthians
When the last trump sounded we didn’t hear it. We were too busy arguing and bragging about our spirituality.

#2 Corinthians
O how I love you, you darling scalawags, you dear sweet blockheaded scoundrels, you infuriating puppies!

We felt insecure without our chains so we hired experts to repair them. Then Paul came back, wielding a sledgehammer.

When the human race had split apart, God (who loves to renovate) took wood and nails and fastened it back together.

Even in chains, Paul is freer than wild horses. Even in prison, his joy is boundless as the skies.

God assembled all the pieces of the universe as one huge jigsaw puzzle, a perfect picture of Christ.

#1 Thessalonians
In Christ there is no night but only one eternal morning in which the living and the dead awake and embrace.

#2 Thessalonians
When I told you, brothers, that he’s coming back soon, what I really meant was soonish.

#1 Timothy
Dear Paul, thanks for your letter & for all the advice. The part about wine: ok! The part about women: huh? Yours, Tim.

#2 Timothy
The dying apostle writes his will: “To my dear son Timothy I leave all that I possess: my Gospel and these chains.”

Don’t adapt the Gospel to your life. Adapt your life to the pattern of the Gospel.

Then one day, for the first time in history, a slave and his master cried out in stunned recognition: “Brother!”

Look in the mirror to see the face; follow a shadow to find the thing; wade through blood to a place where bloodshed ceases.

Faith is a picture taken by the beggar at your door, not a selfie.

#1 Peter
In the midst of a strange land all the strangers assembled in one place, and called it Home.

#2 Peter
“Paul’s letters are hard to understand”: the calm judgment of a pseudonymous letter full of riddles and obscurities.

#1 John
Love is the order of things; hatred is rebellion against reality.

#2 John
Pure spiritual love is a delusion. Love has come among us in the flesh. It’s with our bodies that we walk in love’s way.

#3 John
Oh my dear friend, I need to see you face to face to tell you what love means. Love can’t be sent by mail.

If ever the world is burned to ashes in a nuclear holocaust, let the last human being recite the epistle of Jude, and die.

When she finally arrived at the wedding, she kissed him and said, “Sorry I’m late. The traffic was hell.”

Ben Myers is Lecturer in Systematic Theology at Uniting College, Sydney. Read the rest of his tweeted Bible at


This article was published in the July/August 2016 edition of  Reform.

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