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Reform Magazine | March 23, 2018

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Commitment-Phobe: Angels and awkward handshakes

Commitment-Phobe: Angels and awkward handshakes

commitment-phobe-cropHaving decided to move on from atheism, Commitment-Phobe 
is touring churches of all denominations to see if she can find God

It has been six months, and I am frustrated. I knew this journey wasn’t going to be easy, but I wanted some thunderbolts. Not the life-threatening, electric kind, but the message-bearing, enlightening, moment-of-truth kind. The kind that says (cue trumpets and chorus of angels): “I have found God!” We don’t live in an age of miracles, but maybe a little sign, or a hint even, would be good.

I sometimes wonder why I am on this journey (and you may wonder too). I have a strong memory of a feeling that I had a guardian angel. Whatever hardship came my way would happen for a reason, and there would always be a way to get the thing I needed if I worked hard enough and wished for it with all my heart. I felt I was lucky. I believed that there was good under the surface of every person I met, and that we were all driven by love. And there was always a silver lining to every cloud.

But at some point in my 20s I lost faith in this guardian friend. Perhaps what I wanted and what I needed diverged and set off on separate paths. And, when I didn’t get the things I wanted I became bitter at times and a little lost. I stopped listening to the guide that always showed me what I needed. We grow up and yet persistently hold on to the things we think we should have, rather than accept the things that will make us truly happy…


This is an extract from the April 2014 edition of Reform.

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